Less than Romantic: Valentines Day 2012

   Do y'all remember last year's Valentines Day post? I hope so, it was one of my crowning achievements on this blog. Last year was also the first time I'd ever celebrated Valentine's Day properly. I baked my boyfriend a pavlova (which is not easy, I had bigger arm muscles than he did by the end of it) and we had a lovely romantic time. Also he read the post and not only made me a handmade card with a stick figure and a heart but he even drew Pak 'n' Save man for me. He's not very creative but at least he read my blog.

   Anyway, he's about to move to Canada to be with some girl he met there (I didn't like to ask the details. I bet she wouldn't bake him a pavlova though) and the guy I'm seeing at the moment is in Auckland so I'm feeling even more cynical about the holiday this year.

   Cue the snarky blog post.

   So this year, I decided to write about bad Valentines Day ideas. You know how all the other blog posts will be giving you fun tips about date ideas? Unless of course you're reading Cracked.com's analysis of poor romantic advice. Well guess what? I'm going to be by myself on Valentines Day and I couldn't give a fat rat's ass if someone cuts my sandwiches into heart shapes. In fact, I'm going to struggle to resist the temptation to bitch at smug couples grinding all up on one another in public because dammit, it's Valentines Day and they're "in love." So I decided instead to create a list of every sickening thing smug couples will be doing tomorrow that will not only get on my nerves, but ultimately prove to not be that romantic at ALL.

1. Really poorly edited photos of the happy couple

   It's bad enough that these unflattering tributes to true love are created. But the best bit is when they're posted all over Facebook so everyone can see just how darn in love they are. I think I'll be retreating to Reddit tomorrow. Now, because I love my readers dearly and couldn't get through this without providing an example, I made this on FotoFlexer.

OH GOD DOM I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS

2. Excessive PDAs

   I'm not averse to a public display of affection or two, depending on the context. In fact, it can be downright beautiful. However, some guidelines:

• For the love of god and all that is holy, if you have sex in public, please do not let me see you. I'm slowly running out of eyeball bleach, and I kinda want to save it for the important things. Like this ugly dress.
• Please do not force PDAs on your partner. It's awkward to watch.
• Please do not become a traffic hazard while performing a public display of affection.
• Please do not get offended by anyone telling you to "get a room." They are likely also alone for Valentines Day.

3. What's as bad as flashing your genitals in public? Flashing your money.

   Please. This is a Valentines Day date. This is not your wedding. Do not hire a helicopter. Or a horse-drawn carriage. Even if you can afford it. (Though seriously, who can in this economic climate?)


4. Do not feel sorry for me

   Yes I'll be spending my Valentines Day alone. I might get a skype date with Dom, I might go hang out with my other lonely friends. I might stuff my face with cake. Who cares. Just don't try to rub it in my face how terrible it must be for me to spend it by myself. Cake is delicious, and Reddit is the only hot date I need (or can get) this February 14th.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!